I wanted to write honestly and openly about how I’m feeling at the moment. Although blogging seems to be composed of well thought out posts that are structure to hit SEO targets and goals, I originally set this up as a place to share my life – something I haven’t done very much of.
Most of you will know that I am a PhD student in a School of Medicine meaning that a lot of my time has been dedicated to the lab and less so on hobbies. I am fast coming to the end of my time as a student (my submission date is the end of April, with some flexibility) and I can’t help but wonder what is life?
I am grateful for the offer of a scholarship and for being given the opportunity as soon as I finished my BSc but I’m left asking what more is there to life. More often than not now I get caught in a spiral of anxiety and imposter syndrome surrounding my PhD, career and future prospects. When I stop and look at some of my classmates and see them with houses and families, I feel like that is what I should be aiming for next but is it really what I want? Honestly, I’m not entirely sure. There’s forever the massive pressure from a lot of people on the aspects of settling down but I’m not sure I want to run with that crowd right now. I feel like those classmates knew it was something they wanted and committed to it – I’m not ready for that commitment.
Somewhere along the way in the last 4 years I lost myself. I’m not fully sure of who I am anymore or what I enjoy. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not on about the career path I’ve chosen, I mean all the other bits that make a person tick. I dread ice breaker style questions that are meant to allow you to get to know someone because I never know what to say. It scares me that I no longer feel like myself.
At the moment my deadline fills me with dread for two reasons; 1) Someone will have to read my thesis and ask me to defend it and 2) what do I do with myself after I’ve submitted? I will suddenly have free time and I have no idea how I will fill it and although I laugh and joke with friends and family about sleeping days away and the return of my appetite I’m terrified that I have essentially forgotten how to live.
This might seem like a really dramatic post but as it stands this is exactly how I feel. I want to make a commitment to myself to rediscover my hobbies when I have finally submitted and to hopefully feel like myself again – maybe even improve on my old self by trying new things. Until then I’ll attempt small changes (like easing back into blogging) in hopes that the low-level anxiety regarding my identity can be subdued.